T:SCC in The Media
by phantomwriter05
Summary: Movie and TV Quotes twisted and changed to fit T:SCC
1. The Best of Sarah and Derek

**This is an old practice going back to some of the very first FF on .**

**This is taken from the Funny Thread on the Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles Wiki on **

**So R&R and give and send some Quotes of your own and I'll put them up in the new chapters.**

**I own nothing of the following!!**

**The Best of Sarah and Derek**

(Missing Scene Tower is tall but the fall is short)

Sarah: Sherman is a... a therapist.  
Derek: Oh... Yours?  
Sarah: Christ, you couldn't resist, could you?  
Derek: What? I'm not saying you *need* therapy.  
Sarah: What? Wait, wait, wait, I need therapy?  
Derek: I didn't say that. I didn't *say* that.  
Sarah: What could I possibly need a therapist Reese? Huh? You're the doctor, tell me!  
Derek: I don't know... inability to relax?  
Sarah: "Inability to relax"?  
Derek: Your obsession with Pancakes.  
Sarah: Pancakes?  
Derek: You asked!

Inspired by scene from twister

Sarah: Terminator. 2 o'clock.  
Derek: Wait, your 2 o'clock or my 2 o'clock?  
Sarah: Over there!

Inspired by house

[Watching Cameron take abuse from Jesse]  
Sarah: she can't do that do that to our Termie.  
Derek: Only we can do that to our Termie.

Inspired by Animals House

(Sarah and Derek sitting on the couch together watching TV)

Derek: Oh, nice. 16 Candles is on.  
Sarah: And the award for the least heterosexual statement ever made in this Family goes to... Derek Reese! Come on down! Take a bow!  
Derek: Shut up, Sarah. It's a classic

Inspired by Harold and Kumar go to White Castle

Sarah: I want to see more of you around the house.  
Derek: Fine. I'll gain weight.

Inspired by Real Genius

[Missing scene desert cantos]  
Derek: You better lock it up.  
Sarah: No, you lock it up!  
Derek: You lock it up!  
Sarah: You lock it up!  
Derek: You lock it up!  
Sarah: Lock it up

Oh you know

[Missing Scene from Automatic for the People]  
Sarah: [in response to the janitor's outfit she's wearing] I'm not even gunna say it, but you know I'm upset.  
Derek: Yes. But I think you look good.  
Sarah: You know I don't look good

Sarah: I can't stand you.  
Derek: I loathe you.  
Sarah: I despise you.  
Derek: I hate you.  
Sarah: I can get us a room.  
Derek: I can drive

Inspired by Two Guys and a Girl

Sarah: Derek, you can't sleep in my bed, people talk enough as it is. Go sleep on the couch.  
Derek: I can't sleep on the couch. Last week I spilled milk on it and for some reason it smells bad.  
Sarah: So go sleep on the floor!  
Derek: I can't sleep on the floor.  
Sarah: Why not?  
Derek: For some reason there's a trail of ants leading to the couch.

Inspired by Two Guys and a Girl

**  
**  
Ellison: so they're going to be together?  
Derek: how do we explain this to you... No, no way not in a million years,  
Savannah: he jumped through time to save her, Doesn't that mean he loves her?  
Sarah: Lemme break it down for you, Sweetheart.  
(Sarah suddenly stands up)  
Sarah [as Cameron]: Oh, John, I know that I am a Terminator, and you're a human and it would be impossible for us to be together, but—  
(as if on cue Derek stands and grabs Sarah's hand)  
Derek [as John]: But... my destined curse as humanity's hero sometimes prevents me from seeing the truth. Oh, Cameron...  
Sarah [as Cameron]: Yes, John?  
Derek [as John]: I love you so much, I almost forgot to whine.  
Sarah [as Cameron]: And just because I tried to kill you that one time doesn't mean that we can't just be friends.  
Derek [as John]: Or possibly more?  
Sarah [as Cameron]: Gasp! No! We mustn't!  
[Derek dips Sarah]  
Derek [as John]: Kiss me!  
Sarah [as Cameron]: Pull my chip!  
John: [entering] how 'bout you both kiss my ass?  
Savannah: You're back!  
Sarah: How'd it go?  
John: I think you two pretty much summed it up.

Derek and Sarah on Jameron

Inspired by Angel


	2. the Best of John and Cameron

**The Best of John and Cameron**

Cameron: John, I think I'm in love with a retard.  
John: Is he bigger than me?

Animal House

Kacy: Do you guys like Italian?  
John: Yes.  
Cameron: No.  
John: Yes.  
Cameron: No.  
John: I love Italian,  
[looks at Cameron]  
John: And so do you.  
Cameron: Yes.

Star Trek IV

John: I forgot my cell phone.  
Cameron: You wanna go back and get it?  
[Both turn and look at their front door 20 feet from them]  
John: No, we've gone too far.

Harold and Kumar go to White Castle

[TSCC and Salvation Crossover]

John: Now that you're Cameron and my second in command, what kind of an army do you think we ought to have?  
Kate: Well, I tell you what I think; I think we should have a standing army.  
Cameron: Why should we have a standing army?  
Kate: Because then we save money on chairs

Duck Soup

[About Riley]  
Cameron: I hope she flips her bike over and knock her two front teeth out! You selfish son of a bitch! You leave me in the trenches taking grenades, John!

Wedding Crashers

[Sarah finds out about Jameron in public]  
Sarah: Can I talk to you kids for a second?  
[Storms past them]  
John: She knows.  
Cameron: She does?  
John: Play dumb.  
[They walk over to Sarah]  
Sarah: (face inches from John's) are you nuts!!?  
John: [flipping a page on a notepad] I'm Nuts. This is my partner, Pretzels.  
Cameron: What seems to be the problem, ma'am?

Two Guys and a Girl  


[Missing scene Vicks Chip]  
Sarah: [recording a monolog as she tests her new cooking stove] Day 11, Test 37, Roast for four. For lack of a better options, Dummy's are still on fire safety.  
[Turns to John and Cameron]  
Sarah: If both of you douse me again, and I'm not on fire, (points to Cameron) I'm donating you to a city college.  
[Puts Roast in the oven]

[John and Cameron stand inches behind Sarah]  
Sarah: hey, both of you please don't follow me around either because I feel like I'm going to catch on fire spontaneously. Just stand down. If something happens, then come in.

Iron man   


(Trapped inside Zirea Corp)

Cameron: Don't panic... don't panic...  
John: So this is it. We're gonna die.  
Cameron: Yeah. We're gonna die.  
[Pauses]  
John: No... No! What's this?  
[Goes over to control panel]  
Cameron: What's that?  
John: What's this...? What's this...?  
[Flips switch]  
John: This... is... nothing. Yeah, we're gonna die

[Pause]

Cameron: Want a Hug

[Pause]

John: How bout a Kiss

Cameron: Works for me

Inspired by Douglas Adams


	3. Douglas Adams is a Real Genius

**Douglas Adams is a Real Genius**

(Missing scene from terminator)

Sarah: All my life I've had this strange feeling that there's something big and sinister going on in the world.

Kyle: No, that's perfectly normal paranoia. Everyone in the universe gets that.

***

(Missing Scene from Allison from Palmdale)

Allison: John?  
John: Yeah?  
Allison: I think I'm a Robot...  
John: [pause] I know how you feel...

***

[Missing Scene from Vicks Chip]

John: What was it like?

Cameron: I saw everything

John: how was that?

Cameron: I talked to the main computer.

John: And?  
Cameron: It hates me.

***

[Missing Scene Self Made Man]

Cameron: Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and they ask me to do the Laundry. Call that job satisfaction, 'cause I don't.

***

(Sarah monologue)

Sarah: April, 11 2011 Skynet Brought Judgment Day on humanity by launching nuclear missiles at the world. This made a lot of people angry and has been widely considered a bad move.

***

Skynet: It is most gratifying that your enthusiasm for your planet continues unabated. As a token of appreciation, I hope you will enjoy the thermonuclear missiles I've just sent to converge with your Cities. To ensure ongoing quality of service, your death may be monitored for training purposes. Thank you.

***

Allison: I'm sorry; did you just say you needed my brain?  
Skynet: Yes, to complete the program.

Allison: Well, you can't have it, I'm using it!  
Skynet: Hardly.  
Allison: Freakin Machine...

***

Cameron: Time is an illusion. Lunchtime, doubly so.

***

Sarah: Normality? We can talk about normality until the cows come home.  
John: What is normal?  
Derek: What is home?  
Cameron: What're cows?

***

Sarah: If there's anything around here more important than my ego, I want it caught and shot.

***

[Missing Scene the Good Wound]

[Waiting for Riley to be released]  
Cameron: Who are we waiting for again?  
[Waits for a reply]  
Cameron: No, I'm serious.

***

Cameron: [talking about Jesse and Riley] Best laid plans of mice.  
John: And men.  
Cameron: What?  
John: Best laid plans of mice and men Cam.  
Cameron: Oh. No, I don't think men had much to do with it.

**Real Genius**

Sarah: I want to see more of you around the house.  
Derek: Fine. I'll gain weight.

***

[In the men's room]  
Cameron: Are you peeing?  
John: Uh, I can't start.  
Cameron: Because I'm here?  
John: I think so.  
Cameron: Weird. Well I have to go.  
John: Me too.

***

Sarah: You still run?  
John: Only when chased.

***

Derek: This? This is ice. This is what happens to water when it gets too cold. This? This is Sarah. This is what happens to people when they get too sexually frustrated

***

Sarah: You know, um, something strange happened to me this morning...  
Cameron: Was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort of sun-god robes on a pyramid with a thousand naked women screaming and throwing little pickles at you?  
Sarah: No...  
Cameron: Why is it that John is the only one who has that dream?

***

Sarah: Do you think it's getting weird around here?  
Derek: Absolutely.  
Cameron: I didn't notice.  
[John puts an arm around Cameron]  
John: I like it.

***

[Missing Scene Our Selves Alone]

Child Services: You *are* John Baum, aren't you?  
John: I hope so. I'm wearing his underwear.

***

John: It worked!  
Riley: That's neat!  
Cameron: Now if we can just keep it from exploding!  
Riley: Explo-?  
[Rushes out of John's room]  
John: Hey Cam, you were just kidding about exploding, right?  
[Starts to notice no one else is there any longer]  
John: Cam? It's a joke, right?

***

Derek: When you first started the resistance you were well on your way to becoming another Messiah and then you know what happened?

John: I got a haircut?

***

Cameron: Weaver puts her name on her license plate.

John: mom use to do the same thing to my underwear.

Cameron: Sarah put license plates in your underwear? How do you sit?

***

Jesse: You are of no further use to me!  
Riley: [pause] Interesting way to begin a conversation...

***

Sarah: You're just sexually frustrated about the metal.

John: I' am? What about that time I found you naked with that bowl of Jell-O?  
Sarah: You did not.  
John: This is true.  
Sarah: Look, it was hot and I was hungry, okay?


	4. Random Quotes

**I consider this FF to be as Chris Knight put it "A long list of things I have created to avoid responsibility".**

**This most likely will be an M rating due to some of the quotes.**

**And on a final note Come on peeps I need the reviews!**

**Random quotes**

Remember the Titans  
[Missing Scene Heavy Metal]  
Sarah: You take a good look at me. Because once you step in this Jeep I'm not your mama anymore. You got your Sister (points to Cameron) on the team and you got your daddy. You know who your daddy is, doncha? John Connor, if you want to be a part of this mission, you answer me when I ask you who your daddy is. Who's your daddy, John? Who's your daddy?  
John: You.  
Sarah: And whose team is this, John? Is this your team? Or is this your daddy's team?  
John: Yours.  
Sarah: good now get in the Car, grab the C4 first then get in the car.

***

[_After Young John drops his gun_]  
Sarah: John, how many feet are in a mile? How many feet are in a mile!?  
Young John: [_mumbles_]  
Sarah: 5,280 feet! You pick up this M16 and run every one of 'em! You're killing me, John! You're killing me!

***

[Between the Pilot and Know Thy Self]

Cameron: [_has hand raised for a high-five and is smiling_]  
Sarah: Put your hand down.  
[_Cameron does as told_]  
Sarah: You're smiling.

Cameron: Yes.  
Sarah: Why are you smiling?  
Cameron: 'Cause I love this Family. Family is fun?  
Sarah: Fun? It's fun?  
Cameron: Yes.  
Sarah: You sure?  
Cameron: I think...  
Sarah: Now you're thinking'. First you smile, then you thinking'. You think this family is still fun?

Cameron: Uh, yes.  
Sarah: Yes?  
Cameron: Yes- no?  
Sarah: No?  
Cameron: it was fun.  
Sarah: Not anymore though, is it? *Is* it?  
Cameron: Not right now, no.  
Sarah: No, it's not fun anymore. Not even a little bit.  
Cameron: no.  
Sarah: Make up your mind. Think since you're thinking. Go on Tin Miss, think. Is it fun?  
Cameron: No  
Sarah: No? Absolutely not?  
Cameron: Zero fun.

Sarah: Alright then (leaves)

***

[Before to the Lighthouse]

[Derek sits down at the table with a plate of pasta]

Sarah: What you doing?  
Derek: Eatin' lunch.

Sarah: I see you "eatin" lunch, but why you eating over here? Why not go eat with your whore across town?  
Derek: Sarah, I missed yo…everyone that's all.  
Cameron: he's just trying to spend time with you.  
Sarah: (sarcastically) Yeah, and I'm going to your ballet residle.  
John: Come on mom, he's just another blessed child in are lovin' family. (Nudges Cameron)  
Cameron: [_starts to hum Amazing Grace_]  
Sarah: Come on, John. Let me...  
Derek: [_Derek joins in with Cameron_]  
John: (In passionate Preacher voice) God, we come before you here today. To ask you to soften Tough Sarah Connor's heart.

***

Derek: Now, lets say you havent eaten for days and You're in desperate need of food. What do you do?

John: Cameron and I walk over to the house and have Mom make us a sandwich.

Derek: Okay, yes, but Sarah's not here.

John: Wheres Mom?

Derek: It's not important where she is, umm, she's gone, she left the country.

Cameron: She left the country? Why, is she ok?

Derek: Yes, she's fine.

Cameron: Well if she's fine, I don't see why she can't make us a sandwich.

**Wizards of Waverly Place**

***

[Missing Scene Queens Gambit]

[John explains why Cameron can't be friends with a Bully tormenting other kids]

John: look If one person in the family hates someone then the others have to hate them, too.

Cameron: So, that means if I hate pumpkin pie, you hate pumpkin pie, too?

John: You know I love pumpkin pie!

**Wizards of Waverly place**

***

[John's 30th birthday]

Beddel: I have brought someone special here for such a termendous event.

Crowd: Come on!

Beddel: Wait! Just wait! Someone that we haven't seen in a while.

Derek: Hurry up Martin!

Beddel: a Women! We use to refer to as brain dead.

John: (to Cameron) Hey Cam!! Mom's here!

**Bachelor party**

***

[Missing scene Earthlings welcome here]  
John: What the hell are you doing?  
Riley: I'm slashing my wrist.  
Cameron: With an electric razor?  
Riley: Yeah, I couldn't find any razor blades

**Bachelor Party**

***

[Teen Sarah is about to read little John the Wizard of OZ for the first time]

Teenage Sarah: All right, I'll read it to you. Can you hear?  
Little John: I haven't heard anything yet. Did you say anything?  
Teenage Sarah: Well, I haven't said anything worth hearing.  
Little John: Well, that's why I didn't hear anything.  
Teenage Sarah: Well, that's why I didn't say anything.

**Marx Brothers "Night at the Opera"**

***

[Missing Scene Alpine Fields]  
Lauren: Wow. Mrs. Cleaver is also a hunter. That's got to be an interesting combination.  
Sarah: I hunt terminators, LAUREN. They're overpopulated in the future and they're decimating the human population. You got a fucking problem with that?  
Lauren: Not nearly as much as I do with the attire that you have on, or just your general point of view towards everybody. But let's go kill some Cyborgs. I'm psyched.

**Wedding Crashers**

***

Cameron: Go like this.  
[Pretending to get something out of her teeth]  
Riley: [picking her teeth] what, do I have something in my teeth?  
Cameron: No, now go away.

**Two Guys and a Girl**

***

[Missing scene from Goodbye to all that]

Derek: He's gotta grow. Don't you ever want anything more for Him? I know this poor hapless son of a bitch does. (Looks at John) I look into his sorry Green eyes and I just, I see a kid crying out. He's crying out, "When Lord? When the fuck can your servant ditch this foul-mouthed little chucklehead of a mother to whom I am a constant victim of her folly, so much so that it prevents him from ever getting to kiss a real girl! Fuck! When, Lord when? WHENS GONNA BE MY TIME?"

John: (Nods in complete understanding)

Sarah: (Turns to John with a murderous look)

John: (Looks at Sarah and shakes his head in denial)

Derek: He knows

**Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back **

***

[Missing Scene Born to Run]

Weaver: Your Beautiful Companion is a dying star. A white dwarf headed for a black hole. That's physics. It's inevitable.  
John Henry: We've been handed an incredible opportunity here, John Connor.  
Weaver: The universe... is talking to us right now. You just got to listen.  
[_Turns on Flo Rider's "Low" and begins to dance to the beat_]  
Weaver: See, this is the good part, Connor. This is when the job gets fun! Ask... and you shall receive!  
John Henry: [_dancing along in chair_] Right...  
Weaver: You play ball... we play ball. I knoowwww... you want the goodies!  
John Henry: Welcome to the goodie room!  
Weaver: You paying attention? I'm talking... G5, Connor! That's how you can roll. No more frequent flyer bitch miles for my boy! Oh yeah! Playa... playa! Big dick playa!  
John Henry: Swinging past your knees!  
Weaver: Big dick, baby!  
John Henry: Yep.  
Weaver: [_turns off the music_] or... you can grow a conscience in the next five minutes and see where that takes you.  
John Connor: Now let me get this straight. You want me to give you my best friend, and potentially my one true love, for some money and a G5?  
Weaver: Yes.  
John Connor: [_pause_] A G5 airplane?  
Weaver: Yes... and lots of money... playaaaa!  
[_Turns on the music and dances again_]

**Tropic Thunder**

***

Cameron: He loves me but I think I scared John away.

Weaver: Well Everybody knows you never go full human.

Cameron: What do you mean?  
Weaver: Check it out. Data, 'Star Trek,' looks human, act human, not human. Played Violin, Sang. Chess, sure'. Not human. You know 3PO, 'Star wars.' Slow, yes. emotions, maybe. Braces on his legs. But he had to be put together by a Wookie and ended up in a Besben junk pile. That ain't human. Sonny, "I Robot." emotions, yes. Human, no. You went full Human, love. Never go full human. You don't buy that? Ask the T-101 Remember? Went full Human, and...

Cameron: Dipped into Molten liquid.

Weaver: Exactly

**Tropic Thunder**

***

(Missing Scene to the Light House)

**John Henrys brother**: I own Colliba, and I want John Connor Dead. So what you're going to…

**Derek: **(hands phone to Cameron)

**Cameron**: (cut's it off) First, take a big step back... and literally, FUCK YOUR OWN FACE! I don't know what kind of bullshit power play you're trying to pull here, but John Connor is my territory. So whatever you're thinking, you'd better think again! Otherwise I'm gonna have to head down there and I will rain down in a Godly fucking firestorm upon you! You're gonna have to call the fucking United Nations and get a fucking binding resolution to keep me from fucking destroying you. I'm talking about a scorched earth, motherfucker! I will massacre you! I WILL FUCK YOU UP! (Hangs up and tosses the phone)

**Derek**: (Catches phone)

**Cameron**: Go find out who that was.

**Tropic Thunder  
**


	5. Round five

**Round Five**

Bachelor Party

(Missing scene Born to Run)

John Henry: Connor, I want Cameron. You dump her and I'll give you cash. Ten thousand dollars, plus a G.E. toaster over; a Litton microwave; a Cuisinart; Michelin tires, brand new; a set of Sears' best metric tools...

***

(Missing scene Pilot)

Bank Manager: Where do you think you are?  
Sarah: The Library of Congress?  
John: Detroit?  
Cameron: Beyond the sun?

***

Cameron: Riley, let's cut through the B.S.

Riley: I'd like that.  
Cameron: I think you're an asshole.

***

(John Henry still trying to convince John to hand Cameron over)

John Henry: The car has low mileage and handles like a dream.  
John: Well, so does Cameron.

***

(Sarah messes up on her and Derek's dinner)

Sarah: (puts down a salad bowl with whole baked potato's on top of lettuce) I hope you like potato salad... it's chunky style... my favorite!

(Later)

Sarah: [_tasting some of her own dinner after Derek doesn't eat anything_] yep, this is the food prison riots are made out of.

***

Frasier

[_Connor_ _family_ _Thanksgiving, __Cooking with Adult John and Cameron post season three_]  
John: Whisk.  
[_She hands it to him, he whisks_]  
John: Spoon.  
[_She hands it to him, he stirs_]  
John: Cheese cloth.  
[_She wipes his brow; the oven pings_]  
John: Perfect timing. Cam, open the oven.  
[_He places it in the oven_]  
John: Ready.  
Cameron: Shall I close, Dr. Connor?  
John: Please.  
Cameron: Do you think it'll be all right?  
John: It's out of our hands now, Cam.

***

[_John watches Sarah and Derek playing chest against a computer platform_]  
John: Uh-uh.  
[_Derek reaches for another piece_]  
John: Mmm-mmm.  
Sarah: All right, what would you do?  
John: Well for starters, I'd take that corn-nut off the board.  
Derek: That corn-nut's our bishop. We lost the real one.  
John: In that case, Corn-nut to Rook Seven.

***

[_Cameron is contemplating what it would be like if the Connor family had a free lifetime's supply of muffins_]  
Cameron: Now John could eat a muffin a day, some days even two knowing they'd be free. So that'd be... ten a week, fifty-two weeks a year, for at least another... forty years, which works out to... Twenty thousand muffins.  
[_Pause_]  
Cameron: (to John and Sarah) your lives suddenly seem long, measured in muffins.

***

Derek: [_talking about Jesse_] It's not like she worships the devil!

Sarah: She doesn't have to worship the devil! He worships her!

***

**Two Guys, a girl and a Pizza place **

**Sarah**: I mean, I can do anything I want! I mean, I'm smart!

**Cameron**: Absolutely right.

**Sarah**: Yeah, I'm motivated!

**Cameron**: Yes, you are.

**Sarah**: I'm a people person!

**Cameron**: I got to go back and count the amunition.

**Sarah**: I am! Aren't I, John?

**Adult!John**: Mom! You're a lot of things, but 'people person'? It goes the Unibomber and then you.

**Sarah**: Hey!

**Adult!John**: No! (kisses her forehead) That's why we love you.

***

_(John ponders what his life will be like now that skynet is gone)_

**Sarah**: That's why you always have me.

**Adult!John**: Are you gonna have my children?

**Sarah**: Well …There **is** an experiment at M.I.T. next week.

***

**Sarah**: (interrupting Derek's yelling at her) Hold that thought, I may have poisoned John.

**Derek**: Man, that is so unfair! On the one day I could really hate you, John steals my thunder!

**Sarah**: Don't be mad at John!

***

**Sarah**: John, I gotta tell you--

**John**: Mom, don't tell me now, I'm busy.

**Sarah**: Busy? The cat's in the cradle, John. Before you know it I'll be all grown up.

***

**Derek**: (to Sarah about Charlie) My God! See, first he's got you wearing silk, then he's got you eating valentines choclates, next thing you know it's "Come on Sarah, let's smoke some crack".

***

**Cameron**: Oh John, no more medical experiments.

**John**: Just remember my eyedrop experiment paid for our couch.

**Cameron**: Hey, John? What color would you say that couch is?

**John**: (squinting at the grey couch.) I don't know...blue!

***

**Cameron**: Sarah hasn't been around all week, so I couldn't score stamps to mail our letter.

**John**: Oh. Oh well, listen...I'll give you the name of her connection. The post office!

(Later)

**Cameron**: I got stamps. (holds them up proudly) _Legends of the Rodeo_: a thirty-two cent salute to a bygone era.

**John**: (with a puzzled face) What's wrong with you?

***

**Derek**: You're jealous, but listen, I'm always gonna be Derek, you're always gonna be Sarah, and we're always gonna be Derek-n-Sarah.

**Sarah**: Shut up! You've gotta believe me! Jesse's like...girlfriend of the corn!

***

**John**: Guys, come on -- for once I need my own life.

**Sarah**: (to Derek) He can't have his own life. Especially when we got nothing going on.

***

(Missing scene the Good Wound)

**Cameron**: I want you to know I am just here for John.

**Riley**: Well, why do you think I'm here?

**Cameron**: According to the Bible, to balance good.

***

(Missing scene Brothers of Nablus)

**Cameron**: All I could think about was how I was gonna get John back for giving Riley a key.

**Sarah**: Me too.

**Cameron**: What were you gonna do?

**Sarah**: Leave a message on his Cell as an ex-girlfriend. You?

**Cameron**: I was gonna leave a home pregnancy test kit on his dresser.

**Sarah**: Wow, that's good. You really put a lot of thought into that.

**Cameron**: He's my best friend.

***

**Cameron**: Riley, how did you get in here?

**Riley**: Well, I figured you'd do something stupid like change the locks, so I left the window open a crack.

**Cameron**: A crack? Oh, I forgot vampires can turn into mist.

***

**Sarah**: Riley and I have nothing in common, what are we going to talk about?

**Cameron**: Do you have an interest in witchcraft?

***

**Sarah**: Oh Jesse I like your perfume.

**Jesse**: Thanks.

**Sarah**: What is it? Brimstone?

***

**Riley**: I can't stand pork. I can't smell it. I can't look at it. I can't have it anywhere on the table.

**Cameron**: Right, I forgot. They don't eat their own.

***

**John**: _(Seeing his family sitting around instead of meeting him at a the movie theater)_ I can't believe you guys forgot. You're a bunch of insensitive, self-centered jerks.

**Sarah**: Where's Riley?

**John**: I ditched her at the theatre

***

**Sarah**: When did my values get so out of wack? I never used to be like this, I wanted simpler things.

**John**: Well . . . you have Derek.

***

(Sarah's hand is stuck in the garbage disposal)

**Derek**: How many years of training have you had?

**Sarah**: A year in judo, four years of firearms and three of jujitsu.

**Derek**: And yet you are going to die in a sink.

***

**Riley**: Cameron, hey, isn't a beautiful day?

**Cameron**: I don't know, why don't you go away and I'll find out.

***

**Sarah**: You are so funny, is it the celibacy?

**Derek**: That's nice. You know I take great comfort in the fact that there is a team of Japenese scientists working around the clock to destroy you.

***

**Sarah**: Hey, what's going on?

**Derek**: I don't know, I said your name and the stove just burst into flames!

***

**Derek**: If you are about done I could use a break.

**Sarah**: How many times have you told Jesse that?

**Derek**: I really wish you would stop making jokes about it.

**Sarah**: And how many times have you told Jesse that?

***

**Eric**: So did you tell Riley you and John are sleeping together?

**Cameron**: No, I didn't want to ruin their date.

***

**John**: What the hell are you doing in my bed?

**Sarah**: (sarcastically) Jogging.

**John**: Well you can't sleep here Mom. People talk as it is.

***

[Between Demon Hand and Vicks chip]

(Sarah checks her messages at home, but Derek is asleep in her bed)

**Derek**: Hello

**Sarah**: Uh, Who is this?

**Derek**: Well you called me, who do you think?

**Sarah**: Derek!?

**Derek**: Yep... (Realizing and getting up) No!

**Sarah**: Derek, What are you doing in my room?

**Derek**: I'm not in your room. Why would I be in your room? You know what happened here you uh, you started thinking about me so you accidentally dialed me instead, you know...I understand. I'm more addictive than crack.

***

**Sarah**: Derek if you were anyone else I'd think you were coming on to me.

**Derek**: If you were anyone else maybe I would be.

***

**John**: I told Cameron that I love her.

**Sarah**: Really? Wow! I'm shocked! I mean I'm happy for you...no, not yet, I'm still shocked

***

**Sarah**: I hate romantic comedies.

**Derek**: Why? Your whole love life is a joke.

***

(Missing scene Vicks chip)

**Sarah**: You said wear black.

**Derek**: I said wear something that blends in.

**Sarah**: This does blend, I am the night!

***

**Sarah**: My grandfather used to use an expression which I think might apply here.

**Cameron**: What was that?

**Sarah**: 'Shut up Cameron.'

***

**Sarah**: Would you do me a favor?

**Derek**: Yeah sure, you bend over and I'll pull out the stick.

***

(Missing scene Samson and Delilah)

**John**: Today I almost died.

**Cameron**: Underachiever.

***

**Sarah**: We've got three days, strictly fun, no emotional attatchments. Just think of me as a soldier on a weekend pass.

**Derek**: fine but if you knock me up, you have to take me back to your country.

(two nights later)

**Derek**: I never knew you'd be such a good lover.

**Sarah**: Yeah and imagine me with a good partner.

**Derek**: Well until recently I couldn't imagine you with a non-plastic partner

***

(Sarah finds out that Cameron is pregnant)

**Sarah**: Well Derek, am I going to be the grandmother of Satan's spawn?

***

**Derek**: John I need a favour.

**John**: Sure.

**Derek**: Can you ask your mom for a cup of urine?

**John**: Why, are we out?

***

**Sarah**: I am definitely not pregnant.

**Cameron**: How do you know?

**Sarah**: Because I am the mother of the future savior of mankind and I'm in love with his uncle and if I were pregnant that would complicate things and therefore I'm not.

**Cameron**: That will be a good story to tell your illegitimate baby

***

**John**: Oh, so mom told you she forgot to take her pill.

**Derek**: What?!

**John**: Easy! She isn't pregnant.

**Derek**: How do you know?

**John**: She says she doesn't want to be.

***

**Sarah**: I'm not pregnant!

**John**: If you were it would be great. Your kid could bully on me and Cameron's kid and our kid could walk yours and dereks to therapy.


End file.
